


The Moment I Died

by Miomena



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Drinking, Drugs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, SeHo - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22116556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miomena/pseuds/Miomena
Summary: Sometimes, you have to let go what you love.A story where Suho suffers from depression and Sehun is finally ready to let go.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	The Moment I Died

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Do NOT read if a story about depression and suicide can trigger you in any form.  
> My intention is not to romanticize depression or death. This is just a story that I had in my head for a year.
> 
> This is my first FanFiction in English and I didn’t write in years, therefore I’m a little bit rusty. I hope you like it through. If you find any mistakes, you can point them out =). And thank you to my Beta-Reader!

“I’m ready”, Sehun simply stated but the meaning of it was hanging heavily in the air. The words didn’t need an explanation.  
“Really?”, Junmyeon frowned and tried to look into the taller’s head through his eye.  
No. He wasn’t ready. He would never be. But he didn’t want to let his love suffer either.

They had a difficult year behind them. They tried to be happy, made beautiful memories and laughed together but in the end, Sehun could see the tiredness in Suho’s eyes: the tiredness of fighting against his depressions, of being sad and of hiding it. He tried to be strong for Sehun, for what he promised exactly one year ago and he was fighting, but the battle was exhausting and with no visible end.  
They tried everything they could think of: Junmyeon went to therapy, took medicine and talked hours over hours with his boyfriend, but the dark thoughts inside his head wouldn’t leave.  
One day, it was too much.  
Sehun remembered said day like it was yesterday:

Sehun sat on the couch in the living room, the other members were busy with their schedule, but Suho and he had a day off.  
Suddenly, he heard doors crashing.  
"Sehun?" The voice of his boyfriend let him look up. Suho stood in front of him, tears running down his face.

Sehun still felt his heart ache at the thought of it.

"Please don't call the ambulance."  
Sehun frowned. Why should he -  
"I - I will die."  
Sehun shook his head.  
“You will not die, I would not allow that”, Sehun said in a soft voice and attempted to stand up and cuddle is boyfriend. Suho suffered from depression for three years now and it hurt Sehun’s heart so much, but the best thing he could give to Suho was his love and to show him that he was not alone.  
“No, you … you don’t understand. I – I took an overdose!”  
Sehun shot up and Suho let himself fall into his arms.  
"You are kidding. No", but Sehun already felt the shivers and coldness of his friend.  
Despite the orders from the older, he reached for his phone to call 911. Suho couldn't just leave him.  
"No, please." Suho cried along Sehuns conversation but he was too weak to do something against it. In the next moment everything turned black.

Sehun felt never so powerless and helpless in his life. He still remembers how he wandered through the corridors of the hospital. He knew, Junmyeon would survive since they pumped out his stomach and the doctor said he didn’t take enough. However, Sehun didn’t know how his boyfriend would react when he woke up since he clearly told him not to save him.  
His thoughts and heart were a mess, but in the end, Sehun found himself back at Junmyeon’s bed, waiting for him to wake up and crying.

When Suho woke up and realised where he was, he cried, too.  
“Why... why didn't you let me just go and stay in peace? I really don't want to suffer anymore. I can't handle it."  
It broke Sehun’s heart, shattered it in pieces.  
"Because I'm egoistic. How could I live without you? I thought we will go through your depression together. Why have you never told me you thought about committing suicide? We could have found a solution!"  
"Sehunnie .." Junmyeon sighted. "Death is my solution. I don't want to bother you anymore. You did so much for me but I can't do anything for you. That's too unfair. I only burden you!"  
“No no no, you don’t … . Listen, you are the best thing that happened to me in my live. You are everything to me. I love you Junmyeon. I love you and I will do everything to make you happy.”  
“Then …”  
“No! There must be another way. Do you not love me? Do you really want to leave me behind?” Sehun’s voice became louder, not because of anger but because of panic. Tears were running down his face again when he grabbed Suho’s hands.  
“Sehunnie, I love you and you know that! I love you more than myself. You are everything to me. You are the only good thing in my life, the only one who makes me stay. You are the reason why I didn’t try this long before. You are my only happiness. But I don’t want to bother you. You should be happy and you deserve someone who makes you happy. I am the opposite of that. Every day you try your best to cheer me up, hold me when I have bad thoughts, listen to me, talk to me. I am an obstacle for you; I prevent you from being happy. Imagine how good your life could be with a normal person? Do you want forever take care of a depressive person like me?”  
“What is normal? I chose this life, I chose you and I am happy. Nothing could make me happier as your happiness. I love you not despite your depression but I love you and it’s a part from you but not what defines you. I do not want another one. And Junmyeon, you are not alone. I am here, our members are there for you and our fans support you, too!”  
“But you always make jokes about me and the fans like me at least”, Suho objected.  
“No, not that conversation again, I told you we all love you. Shut up and understand this!”

Their conversation wasn’t over with this. They talked the whole night like they often did.  
Since Junmyeon loved Sehun so much and didn’t want the other to suffer, too, he agreed to make it as long as Sehun needed him.

And now they were here; lying in their bed with the last sunlight finding its way through the window and warming their faces.  
Sehun thought about this the whole year. He felt egoistic and selfish, but on the other hand he hoped Junmyeon would back away from his decision at some point - he didn’t. So the taller just tried to make as many happy memories as possible together with the love of his life.  
And yes, the others knew about Suho’s depression, it was impossible to hide it, especially after the suicide attempt. They tried to cheer him up as well, not knowing about the pact the couple made.

Suho smiled lazy and brushed over the others dark hair.  
“You know that you can’t change your decision later?”, he assured and cuddled himself nearer against the warm body.  
Oh he knew. He knew that so well and every piece of his body hurt by the thought of what he agreed to. But he realized that Junmyeon wouldn’t find his peace as well.  
Sometimes, you have to let go what you love.  
“Yes, I’m aware of that. Can you just grant me one last wish?”, the younger muffled into the others hair before moving to look him directly in the eyes.  
“Of course, everything”, the answer was promptly and filled with love and gratitude.  
“Can we spend a last whole day together? Tomorrow? A perfect day without anything but you and me? And then … then I will let you go. You know that you did so much for me over the last years?”  
“Not more than you did for me. We can do that, we will make this day perfect.”  
And with that, they slowly drifted into sleep, both nervous and tense.

The next day began bittersweet. Sehun woke up first and witnessed the beautiful sight next to him, memorizing every detail of it like he wasn’t doing every day. He started to play with Jumyeon’s hair; the latter opened his eyes shortly after that.  
“Morning”, he smiled and Sehun gulped. He would miss this. He would miss everything.  
“Morning”, the taller answered and wrapped his arms around the small waist of his boyfriend. He nuzzled his nose in the dark hair and breathed in Junmyeon’s scent. He smelled like fresh washed cotton.  
They stayed like this for a while, just listening to each other’s heat beats. After a while they decided to stand up.  
“Pancakes?”, Jun asked and Sehun smiled.  
“Yes, but I will make them. You still can’t cook. Call the others, we can have breakfast together.”  
Junmyeon didn’t argue and soon the whole group sat around the table. Even Yixing was there, since he visited them despite his packed schedule.  
“Did something happen? It is rare that we all eat together lately”, Jongin asked but Sehun denied it.  
“No no, I just felt like it today.” The others looked at him sceptically but didn’t say anything.  
It wasn’t untypical that the youngest called them together when he thought they didn’t spent enough time with each other.  
After they finished and cleaned up, they had to part ways however.  
While Junmyeon needed to sing in his last part for the album, Sehun skipped his dance practice to prepare a picnic. The trouble he would get in for that was his last problem at the moment.  
Later, he drove them to a meadow away from fans and paparazzi. It was like a fairy tale – it seemed to be perfect but it had a cruel background story.  
However, they enjoyed the time and forgot the reason for their little trip for a moment. At least till they needed to go back – back to reality.  
They spend their last meal together and when they went to sleep, they hold each other so tight that you could mean, their bodies became one.  
A last peaceful night with each other, Sehun’s last happy night, Junmyeons last night at all.

___

“Ready?”  
“Not really, but it is ok.”  
They sat on their bed and haven’t said a word for minutes. None of them knew how to start.  
“I love you.”  
“I love you, too. I love you so much”, Junmyeon smiled and lifted his head slowly. Then he continued:  
“You know that you are the only one who kept me alive, the only one for whom I have not given up? I know that this is hard for you. And I am so thankful for everything you did and that you gave me your ‘go’? Because without your approval I wouldn’t die peacefully. I realized that last year.  
I know that you love me. Hell, I don’t know why, but you do. And I want you to be happy. I want you to love, meet your friends, work, eat breakfast and dinner, and do sports and singing and everything else. I want you to live”, he stocked. “And love.”  
Sehun felt silent tears running down his face. His heart hurt and his throat was tight.  
“Don’t expect this from me. You are the love of my life, I will never, never find someone who touches my heart like you do. And you know that. You are the only one.”  
Junmyeon nodded slowly, a sad smile on his lips and tears in his eyes.  
“Yes … you are right, I know that, if only with a heavy heart. And I would lie when I would say it makes me not the a little bit happy.” Suho stopped again; he needed to gather himself before talking again.  
“However, please try at least the other things. I don’t want you to suffer because of me. I know you will and it is so selfish to let you take this burden, but I can’t help myself anymore. I can’t thank you enough. I love you”, his voice became quieter till it was not more than an air-puff.  
Sehun gulped. He wanted to say so much, planned so much words and now his mind was blank.  
“I love you Junmyeon. I love every moment I spent with you, every moment I thought about you. Don’t blame yourself, it’s alright. I don’t think you know how much you did for me. I wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t be me without you. You believed in me, encouraged me and showed me so much of life. I am so thankful that you spend that last year with me, I saw you were tired. I saw it and I couldn’t let you go. I wanted to make you happy but ignored the only way you can get your peace. Don’t worry about me.”  
Now Junmyeon cried, too. For a moment, they sat next to each other in silence again.  
After what felt like eternity, the older spoke up again.  
“Now … that’s it?”  
“No, it will never be. You are in my heart and in many others, too. And I hope we will stay in yours, wherever you go.”  
And with that, Junmyeon fell in the younger’s arms. It was an unspoken conversation, a silent exchange of words. “Love you” without saying it loud.  
They stayed like this for a long time. Sehun memorized the feeling of the warm skin, the hair that tickles his nose and his scent. He wanted to remember every single detail.

“I should go now”, the older said carefully after a while.  
They loosened their hug and the latter reached for the nightstand where his anti-depressants were. A whole package, stored for this moment.  
The couple shifted in a more comfortable position, Junmyeon in Sehun’s arms.  
Without words, he opened the package and took it – took the overdose.  
They looked in each other’s eyes, not willing to look away for a second.  
“I love you, Junmyeon”, Sehun heard his voice say.  
“I love you, Sehun.”  
Junmyeon started choking.

Sehun broke the eye contact to hug his boyfriend tight. The smaller body shook in his arms; he felt shivers running up and down his spine.  
They waited but nothing changed. Junmyeon was cold and gasped for air, he chocked and gurgled.  
It was wrong. It was not enough. Sehun knew it.  
He couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t see his love suffer.  
The younger grabbed his love short-circuited at the throat.

Junmyeon gave horrible noises. Sehun pressed his eyes shut and ignored the pain in his heart and the voice in his head who wanted him to stop.  
Then, slowly, Junmyeon went silent and his limbs stopped to move until the body in Sehun’s arms hold no more life in him.

Sehun couldn’t move. His limbs were frozen – his mind, too. He didn’t know how long he sat there, silent crying.

____________________

Impatient, Chanyeol looked at his phone. Baekhyun wanted to come back to their house to change his clothes. They practised and the older forgot to bring a second set so that they could go to their favourite bubble tea store right away.  
Just when he was about to stand up and yell at him to hurry, Baekhyun came out of their shared room with a pale face.  
“Here”, was all he said and gave him a letter. He himself held another one in his other hand.

Dear Chanyeol,  
I’m sorry.  
I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough. Shouldn’t a leader be the one everyone can count on?  
I’m sorry that I will hurt you – but I know I will.  
I want to thank you for everything you did for me. You really helped me a lot with your cheering and I know you did your best to make me feel better. When I look at you, I see a happy child in the one hand and a wise adult in the other. You always had an open ear for me.  
Furthermore, I admire your passion for music, how you can sit for hours in your room and play on your guitar or how wonderful your own written songs are. Please, continue this - you have a bright future in front of you.  
Don’t stop living your dream.  
I won’t be on your side anymore but I know you will do well. Stay being the happy virus you are.  
You will always stay in my heart and I hope I will stay in yours, too.  
Can I ask you for one last favour?  
Please take care of Sehun, I know he will not take this easy and you are his best friend.  
Love you  
Junmyeon

Every alarm signal in Chanyeol’s head started. He didn’t want to believe what he held in his hands.  
Baek and he needed a few seconds to understand and in the next moment, they ran to Junmyeon’s and Sehun’s room.  
The taller arrived first. No one answered his knocking but he could clearly hear someone sobbing.  
“Myeon? Sehun?”, he asked and also the main vocalist appeared next to him.  
Nothing.  
“Hey, what is going on?” Chanyeol now raised his voice, while his friend tried to press the doorknob down.  
“It’s locked”, he breathed.  
There were a few seconds of silence, then they hammered against the wood.  
“Open the fucking door!”  
There was no answer. Not a tone came from the other side. Something was wrong, very wrong.  
“I will call the police”, Chanyeol exclaimed and reached for his phone.

They waited and it felt way too long. Finally, the bell rang and they let the police inside.  
“You found a suicide note and now the room is locked?”, one of the policemen reassured himself.  
The rapper nodded.  
“Here is the police, open the door”, the other one shouted.  
Just when he reached back to break up the wood, it clicked and the door opened.  
A red eyed Sehun stood in front of them, looking more dead than alive.  
And then, Chanyeol’s eyes wandered behind the maknae.  
All colour disappeared from the rappers face, eyes wide. Next to him, Baekhyun gasped for air.  
There was Junmyeon. No, there was his body. He was lying in the bed, eyes closed. And not sleeping. No, he was pale and his chest didn’t move.  
“What?”, Chanyeol tried to speak, throat sore. Something wet ran down his cheeks – tears. Baekhyun slowly grabbed his shirt to hold himself up.  
“He is dead.” Sehun’s voice was no more than a whisper but enough for the two friends to hear.  
One policeman pushed past him and looked first at the body, then through the room. His gaze fell on the pills.  
“This is not enough to die; Pharma medicine makes sure that one package isn’t enough today. What happened?”, he asked sceptically.  
“I …”, Sehun stuttered.  
“I just …” and the rest was drowned in cries.  
Before the youngest could sink to the floor, the other officer grabbed him.  
“I think I we have to take you with us, we can talk at the police station. You two need to come as well, but not yet. You can stay.” He looked over to his college. “And you – call the ambulance.” With that, he pulled Sehun out of the dorm to the car.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun had to go out, therefore they just sat on the floor, crying.  
They didn’t know how much time has passed. They couldn’t sort their thoughts; they just ran through their heads, too fast to catch, too fast to understand. Nobody said a word.  
Eventually, the emergency doctor came and checked the corpse.  
“He didn’t die because of an overdose”, he finally said to the officer. “You see these marks around his neck? He got chocked.”  
That was not good. Even if Chanyeol’s mind was dizzy from the pain and the tears he shed, he knew what that meant for Sehun. That wasn’t going to end well for him.

____________________

**8 Years Later**

The music was too loud. The bass boomed in his ears and the vocals were more an annoying noise than pleasing. Sehun pushed himself through the sweating bodies, beer in his right, to find an empty spot to sit down. He found his place near the stairway on a couch.  
The world was spinning around him. Alcohol and marihuana weren’t the best combi it seems. He shook his head and tried to get his vision clearer.  
“Hey!”, someone suddenly shouted in his ear. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to drink, so he ignored the woman.  
“You don’t look healthy, is everything okay? You are quite pale”, she continued nevertheless.  
“Worry about someone else, ok?”, he snapped back.  
“Nope, I observed you the last two hours. When you don’t stop, I may fear that you will die one day.”  
“Maybe that’s what I want?”, it doesn’t sound like a question.  
The woman seemed to hesitate for a moment, but spoke up again.  
“You … you want to talk about it? I believe everything can be fixed. Death is not a solution.”  
Sehun finally looked up. The woman was in her late twenties and had short blond bleached hair with freckles on her skin. She looked kind and cheeky.  
“Oh, you don’t know what you are talking about.”, he muttered.  
“Then explain it to me.”  
Sehun looked in her eyes. She looked honest and interested.

“There was a man, eight years ago. We were in love, had a career, everything was perfect. Well, except one thing: He suffered from depression. We tried everything we could think of, but in the end, he wanted to die. At his first attempt, I saved him. ‘Death is no solution’, I also said that. But in time, I figured out it was not a solution but the only way he could be in peace. So in the end I let him go, hell, I even helped him. I helped him and went to jail for it because this damn pills didn’t work and I suffocated him. I killed him; I killed my love with my own hands!”  
At the end his voice became louder and tears formed in his eyes. He often thought about this but it was rare that he spoke it out. He questioned this since the moment he decided to step in: Was he a killer? Or did he do Junmyeon a favour?  
The pain he tried to numb with the help of drugs and alcohol came back slowly. Not to understand it wrong: it was always there, but he messed up his brain enough to not deal with it most of the time.

The woman didn’t say anything; she just waited for him to continue.

“And I feel bad. He wanted me to live for him. He wanted me to be happy and make career and so on. I already knew back then, that I wouldn’t just get over it and carry on, but I didn’t tell him. I think he wouldn’t have killed himself when he had known that. He would rather suffer than die feeling guilty. I hope he doesn’t see me now, he would be disappointed and regret his actions.  
My life is shit. However, it was my own decision. I let him go, knowing I give up my own happiness.”  
It was silent; the music sounded like it was miles away. The girl seemed to process what Sehun told her, forming her next words in her head.  
“I wasn’t expecting such a backstory when I carelessly talked about death. I thought you broke up with someone, to be honest. Well, I think you did the right thing. He chose this way and you supported him. Does that make you any less of a murder? I don’t know. You had good intentions.  
I don’t know what is after death, too. Maybe he sees you and is sad; maybe he is just not there anymore. But I think he will not be disappointed with you.  
I can’t tell you what you should do with your life. Does it feel wrong to you to live and be happy again? He is dead, this is your life and you should decide what you want from it. Just sitting there and drinking doesn’t help anyone.  
You know, there is a saying: ‘Everything will have a happy end, and if not, then it’s not the end.’ Maybe your story isn’t over.”  
Sehun looked at her. It was the first time since long that he honestly listened to someone. Maybe it was because she was a stranger and it felt good to talk about it with someone without prejudices or it just were the drugs.  
“What’s your name?”, he asked.  
“I’m Jihye.”  
“Thank you, Jihye. I think I will go now. It was nice to meet you, really.”  
And with that, Sehun stood up and left the girl and the party behind him. He needed to sort his thoughts out.

Two days passed.  
Sehun was in his room. He was alone with his thoughts again. The words of Jihye didn’t want to get out of his mind: Was this the end? Could there be a happy ending? And what was it? The only happy end he could think of was Junmyeon and he reunited.  
The only opportunity for that was his own death, but he promised to live. It was a shitty life but if he couldn’t even keep any of his other promises, he wanted to keep at least one. But was that what Junmyeon wanted for him? – No. Would he understand? – Yes, Sehun knew he would since Suho chose the same path. Would somebody cry for him like he did for his boyfriend? – Probably not. After Suho’s death and his 4 years sentence in prison, there were not much left. His friends came from time to time and tried to talk to him, but he blocked them. Chanyeol was the only one who came by three times a week, trying to keep what Junmyeon had asked him for. He was the only reason why Sehun didn’t starve at this point. Sehun felt like a burden to him, even if the older assured him that he was not.  
Also, there were only a few loyal fans left. After too many scandals and parties, they finally stopped to have hope for him. His family dropped him, too. He was alone.  
Was that what Junmyeon felt? Feeling alone without being it? A burden for everyone who still believed in him?  
Sehun walked in the kitchen to his knife block before he even noticed that he had stood up from his coach and walked over. Two cuts and his suffering would end, he would be reunited with his love and nobody needed to care about him anymore. It would be so easy. Why does a promise, that was made long ago, can make a decision so difficult?  
His fingers played around the handle of the knife. Two cuts. One on his left, one on his right wrist.  
Two cuts …  
The knife fell on the ground with a clank. Sehun stumbled back, not quite sure what he just did. Blood covered his hands, dripping to the floor. The next moment, his legs gave away and he was sitting in a puddle of red.  
Here I come, Junmyeon.

Chanyeol found him the next day, when he went to make his regular check up on Sehun.

____________________

Light. So much light.  
When Sehun opened his eyes, it was bright. It was not blinding through, it was warm and comfortable.  
He sat up and looked around. He was not in a hospital like he feared. He was outside surrounded by nature. Well, at least kind of. It looked like the world he knew, but different. It was not unrealistic, but like a fantasy movie.  
The sky above him was in a light shade of blue, but the sun was so bright that it looked like she would dip the whole sky in her golden sunlight.  
Under his feet was snow – white and soft. Everywhere he looked there was snow. However, it wasn’t cold.  
On his left there was nothing but space. In the distance he could see some mountains. On his right side there was a light forest, also covered in white.  
It was pleasantly calm.  
Was this heaven?  
Sehun stood up and took a few steps. He didn’t know where to go.

“Sehun.”

Every cell in his body responded to the voice.  
It was Junmyeon, without doubt.  
The taller turned around. He looked exactly like in his memories. After eight years he could still remember every little detail of him.  
Maybe death was a solution after all - for Junmyeon and now for him.  
In the next moment they were in each other’s arms.  
“I shouldn’t be glad to see you but I am”, the short male sobbed into the t-shirt of his boyfriend.  
“I love you”, was Sehun’s answer to that. It felt great to say this again. He didn’t feel like this since that day.  
They stayed like this. They felt the familiar warmth, felt like home.  
When they broke apart, Junmyeon had tears in his eyes.  
“You shouldn’t be here. You promised to live, didn’t you? And yet you were there, throwing away your live and drowning yourself in alcohol and parties. And whose fault is this? Mine! I shouldn’t have let you alone and when you needed me, I couldn’t be there. I could just watch and feel your pain.”  
“It is not your fault. It was my own decision. I decided to not go on living.”  
The other only smiled at this and shook his head lightly.  
“I should have known it. No – I knew, but didn’t want to believe it. In my depressive, egoistic thoughts I really hoped you would be better without me. I should have known that you would sacrifice your own happiness.”  
“Like you did”, Sehun interrupted.  
“It is ok now, I think. I blamed myself long enough for it. The only thing that matters now it that we are together.”, Suho continued his little speech. He hesitated a few seconds:  
“One question through: Why are you 25 years old again?”  
Sehun chuckled – not quite sure if amused or sad.

“Because Oh Sehun died on the same day as you, Kim Junmyeon.”

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? Was death the solution here? Did they make the right decisions?  
> I would like to read your comments to this story!


End file.
